The Next Declaration

Our secret agent Ori Pomerantz found this text of a declaration, planned for July 4th in a few years:

Declaration of Independence, July 4, 2012

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for the enlightened elites to dissolve the archaic bonds which have connected them with the benighted reactionaries, and to assume among the citizens of the world, the rightful station to which their progressive agenda entitle them, a decent respect to the hope of teaching the rest of the world how to behave requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these social constructs to be self-evident, at least today and to the limited extent that anything is real, that all people are created by evolution to be equal, that they are endowed with certain unalienable rights, that among these are livelihood, medical care, and access to abortion on demand. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men and women, deriving their just powers from the obvious rightness of taxing one portion of the population to bribe another. That whenever any from of government does not provide enough of these ends, it is the right of those of us who know better to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to ensure that wealth shall be redistributed and that a significant portion thereof will be paid as a fee to the distributors themselves. Back in the mists of history our ignorant foreparents thought that prudence dictated that governments long established shall not be changed for light causes. However, today we understand social dynamics a lot better and can design a much better government than those superstitious, ignorant twits. Besides, recent history was full of injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny and not letting us manage society as it should be managed. To prove this, we shall submit the following claims about the electorate that benight us until this time, facts being no more than social constructs anyway.

They have refused to vote for laws, the most wholesome and necessary, for the public reparation of harms committed by some people's ancestors against the ancestors of other people. Both criminals and victims are long dead, but their descendants should pay – that will teach them a lesson, not to be born to the wrong families.

They have attempted to keep an antiquated constitution, written by slave holders and aristocrats, whose function is to limit the ability of government to fix all problems, real and imagined, for the good of all, or at least those of us who are smart enough to run said government.

They have insisted that the first amendment, the inalienable right to free speech, is limited in application and does not include the right to publicly burn flags or march naked in the streets. At the same time they have insisted that the second amendment, the archaic and wholly imaginary right to keep and bear arms, applies to anything beyond single shot muskets used by a militia authorized by a state government as envisioned by the slave holders and aristocrats.

They have kept, in times to peace, a large military presence in multiple foreign countries supposedly to make us safer. How being hated by half the world for removing their traditional tyrants and forcing them into a democratic system of government makes us safer we do not understand. It is self evident that the world would have been a safer place had our militaries left Europe in East Asia at the end of WWII, as they had prior to that at the end of WWI.

For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefit of trial by media. The journalists of said media being trustworthy and honest reporters of truth, as opposed to the great unwashed bloggers.

We therefore, the progressive enlightened people of the United States of America, do, in the name and by the authority of all that we judge to be right and noble, proclaim that we are, and by right out to be, free and independent of the archaic traditionalists who have barred social progress until this date. We should have the full power to levy taxes, provide benefits, abrogate contracts, burden commerce, and do all other acts and things which governments may of right do, which means everything we feel like. And for the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the successful track record of government managed societies, we mutually pledge to each other our peoples' lives, their fortunes, and whatever shreds of honor we have left in anybody's estimation. [Emphasis added.]